(Dear Readers:

In lieu of an article from $ today, we at Theocrats.com provide you with a transcript of May 26th’s White House press briefing, at which $ surprised everyone by substituting for President George Bush’s Scott McClellan.)

(You can read an alternative transcript featuring Mr. McClellan’s useless answers here. All questions in this briefing are authentic. All answers, to say the least, are not.)

2:17 P.M. EDT

MR. $: Hey. Where the heck is everyone?

Q Banker’s hours.

MR. $: It’s not just because some of your journalist colleagues heard I’d be filling in for Mr. McClellan today, right? They do know that I’m speaking with the authority of the President, right?

Q Some of them do.

MR. $: Hmph. OK. Well, guess it’s time to kick this pig. Listen up, Sycophants! It’s my pleasure this morning to start us all off by mentioning just how obviously great our economy’s doing. The first quarter GDP numbers, job growth, state government revenues- it’s all up, People.

In an honest world, I think it’s safe to say you’d have all printed us full-page apologies by now.

Anyway, now that we’re on the right track, it’s important nobody screws it up. In fact, we can advance still further, with more free trade agreements (like CAFTA), the death of Social Security, and a responsible budget, though most of the President’s fellow Republicans don’t appear eager to help us out there.

Let’s hear those questions.

Q In the President’s conversations with President Abbas, what did he say to him about the need or what he needs to do to dismantle terror groups?

MR. $: I’m not sure. I wasn’t invited. In all likelihood, though, whatever President Bush said to him can be summarized as follows: “You need to do what you said you’d do.”

Q So is the President satisfied that President Abbas is moving aggressively enough, or does he think that he is not?

MR. $: Pffft. What’s there to be satisfied about?

Q So it’s fair to say that the President thinks he’s taken some good steps, but he needs to do more?

MR. $: It’s fair to say that the President is very satisfied with how many promises he’s received from President Abbas, and not at all satisfied with how much has yet actually been accomplished. The plan says specifically that terrorist organizations need to be dismantled and the terrorist organizations haven’t been. So of course the President’s not satisfied. Would you be?

Q One final question. Is it the United States’ understanding that under the road map, that Israel would withdraw to the ’67 boundaries? Is that –

MR. $: Great googly moogly, Man! Is this really so hard to grasp? We have a plan. It says what everyone has to do. Look it up.

Q “$”, would the President like to see Abbas take on Hamas directly and shut it down? Or does he understand the political sensitivities that Abbas faces in doing that?

MR. $: The President would love to see Abbas stand up to Hamas. But he’d also like to see trained sheep manning battle stations in Iraq, by which I mean yes, he understand the political sensitivities. Really, if Abbas was the kind of man who would stand up to Hamas, I doubt he’d have ever been elected.

Q So he wants to see him take on Hamas, then, and shut it down.

MR. $: Everyone who’s not an outright enemy of America wants to see Hamas shut down.

Q Scott, on the security fence, does the President believe that it’s being used for security reasons or for political reasons?

MR. $: In other words, does he think it’s a legitimate method of defense or a new Berlin Wall? Ummm… I think I would leave that question where the President left it.

Q Which is nowhere.

MR. $: Bingo.

Q He just said — Scott, I mean, he said it should be used for security reasons, not for political reasons, so I’m wondering what does he think it’s being used for?

MR. $: I understood your question. Listen, Shutterbug, facts are that President Bush, Vice-President Cheney, and the whole crew around here are very much aware the Israeli government needs to take into account the impact the fence will have on Palestinians that are not engaged in terrorist activities.

And you know who else is aware? The Israeli government. Israel’s been extremely good to friendly Arabs for a very long time. We trust them not to abuse when there’s reason not to be abuse.

Q I want to follow up in a different area.

MR. $: So do I.

Q You talk about the importance of two things: one, returning to the road map; and also, focusing on Gaza. But doesn’t President Abbas have a pretty good point here when he says you want to focus on removing settlers, a relatively small number of settlers — 8,000 settlers from Gaza — and yet, the Israelis are building up these close-in settlements to Jerusalem, like Ma’aleh Adumim, at a pretty good clip, which would totally prejudice final status negotiations.

MR. $: Yeah, George doesn’t really like that.

Q So isn’t it disingenuous –

MR. $: Probably.

Q Sharon just keeps on doing what the President says not to.

MR. $: Yeah. It’s one of those troublesome habits elected leaders of other sovereign nations have. And honestly, probably a pretty good idea.

Q Where does the $50 million [going to enriching quality of life for Palestinians] come from and how does it work?

MR. $: The $50 million comes from American taxpayers like you and me, Phil. In terms of how it works, this will be money, taken from us, and then set aside in a separate, special account, from whence it shall be given to them. Next question?

Q $, just a clarification before a question. Yesterday the President in the East Room with the Indonesian President, he said that we are both among the world’s largest two democracies… Indonesia is not the world’s largest democracy.

MR. $: Yeah, but just try telling Indonesia that.

Q Rumors have been circulating on Capitol Hill that some of the President’s judicial nominees would be thrown over or sacrificed in order that the compromise reached earlier in the week be achieved. And in particular, the Michigan judge’s speculation is centered on Judge Saad, among others. Would you state categorically and without hesitation that the President will continue to send his nominations to the Senate and not withdraw any of those that are there?

MR. $: We want everybody we nominate to receive a vote. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t have nominated them.

Q Judge Saad.

MR. $: Did we nominate him?

Q Yes.

MR. $: Then yes.

Q So the President will not withdraw any of his own nominations?

MR. $: Why would he?

Q Scott.

MR. $: “$”!

Q Two-part. Newsweek has featured magazine covers of international editions with headlines like, “America leads, but is anyone following?” a Japanese cover featuring a photo of a dirtied U.S. flag in a trash can. And my first question, does the President believe such action by an American media company fuels anti-Americanism overseas?

MR. $: Absolutely. Not to mention the rampant anti-Americanism over here.

Q There are news reports this morning that parents and children who were guests of the President, when they visited Congress, wore stickers with the wording, “I was an embryo.” And my question is, since all of us were once embryos, and all of us were once part sperm and egg, is the President also opposed to contraception, which stops this union and kills both sperm and egg?

MR. $: Oh, c’mon. Little children wearing stickers reading “I was an embryo”? You’re actually looking for meaning in that? It was obviously just a cheap stunt designed to tug your heart strings. Analysis has no place here.

Q You know, but what I asked, is he opposed — he’s not opposed to contraception, is he?

MR. $: Judging by how few kids he’s had and what I would presume to be the maintained virility of our sitting president, I’d say no.

Q There was more good news on the economy today, but all the polls and consumer confidence surveys indicate that a majority of Americans both disapprove of the President’s handling of the economy, and are pessimistic about the way things are going to go in the next 12 months. How do you explain –

MR. $: As illegitimate criticism.

Q Just call the numbers like we see them, right? No, but how does the President feel about that dichotomy, and what can he do, what does he think he can do to try and convince Americans that, in fact –

MR. $: People believe only what they want to believe, Bob. It’s dishonest and foolish, but that’s how people are. Quite a few of you diehard Democrats out there would accuse our president of not being able to swim if they saw him walk on water. So let’s move on.

Q Thank you, $.

MR. $: Anytime.