(Dear Readers: In lieu of an article from $ today, we at Theocrats.com provide you with a transcript of May 26th’s White House press briefing, at which $ surprised everyone by substituting for President George Bush’s Scott McClellan.) (You can read an alternative transcript featuring Mr. McClellan’s useless answers here. All questions in this briefing [...]

Senate Republicans just proved themselves to be completely spineless and unworthy of any support. With a vote on the Byrd option looming on the horizon, Senators McCain, Warner, Graham, Chaffee, Collins, Snowe, and DeWine decided to let the Democrats win. This vote would have done one thing and one thing only: allowed each judicial nominee [...]

Dear Readers, What you suspected all along is true! Underneath his black, polished respirator helmet, Star Wars‘ Darth Vader is none other than… our own President Bush! Nobody ever believed me, but I’ve been saying this all along. Really I have. Ask Amadeus. [Amadeus: Don't you dare bring me into this.]

(Update: Commenting was broken for a while, but it should be working again.) Dear Readers, Quick: Name your senators! Now name your mayor! Good job! (I’m going to pretend you got those.) Now: Name the United States’ current generals. No fair googling. Most of you probably can’t do it, right? Funny thing is, there’s at [...]

Lift the curtains from that stage of your mental theater and picture with me: I stand on the second-floor balcony of my Soviet-era-prison-like dormitory on the last night before this semester’s end.